If muscles were made from chips and beer, we’d look huge. But they aren’t, and we don’t—unless you count that sack o’ fat up front and dead center.

If not Doritos and double bock, then what? We decided to delve deep into the human anatomy to find the secret spot on every muscle where the word “ingredients” is stamped. With the help of Jeff Volek, Ph.D., R.D., an exercise and nutrition researcher at the University of Connecticut, and a really big magnifying glass, we found it. Eight foods are on the list: eggs, almonds, olive oil, salmon, steak, yogurt, water, and coffee. Add these ingredients to your stomach and faithfully follow the directions on the package—”Lift heavy weights”—and you can whip up a batch of biceps in no time.

Eggs: The Perfect Protein

How they build muscle: Not from being hurled by the dozen at your boss’s house. The protein in eggs has the highest biological value—a measure of how well it supports your body’s protein needs—of any food, including our beloved beef. “Calorie for calorie, you need less protein from eggs than you do from other sources to achieve the same muscle-building benefits,” says Volek.

But you have to eat the yolk. In addition to protein, it also contains vitamin B12, which is necessary for fat breakdown and muscle contraction. (And no, eating a few eggs a day won’t increase your risk of heart disease.)

How they keep you healthy: Eggs are vitamins and minerals over easy; they’re packed with riboflavin, folate, vitamins B6, B12, D, and E, and iron, phosphorus, and zinc.

Almonds: Muscle Medicine

How they build muscle: Crunch for crunch, almonds are one of the best sources of alpha-tocopherol vitamin E—the form that’s best absorbed by your body. That matters to your muscles because “vitamin E is a potent antioxidant that can help prevent free-radical damage after heavy workouts,” says Volek. And the fewer hits taken from free radicals, the faster your muscles will recover from a workout and start growing.

How many almonds should you munch? Two handfuls a day should do it. A Toronto University study found that men can eat this amount daily without gaining any weight.

How they keep you healthy: Almonds double as brain insurance. A recent study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that those men who consumed the most vitamin E—from food sources, not supplements—had a 67 percent lower risk of Alzheimer’s disease than those eating the least vitamin E.

Salmon: The Growth Regulator

How it builds muscle: It’s swimming with high-quality protein and omega-3 fatty acids. “Omega-3’s can decrease muscle-protein breakdown after your workout, improving recovery,” says Tom Incledon, R.D., a nutritionist with Human Performance Specialists. This is important, because to build muscle you need to store new protein faster than your body breaks down the old stuff.

Order some salmon jerky from www.freshseafood.com. It’ll keep forever in your gym bag and tastes mighty close to cold-smoked cow.

How it keeps you healthy: By reducing your risk of heart disease and diabetes. Researchers at Louisiana State University found that when overweight people added 1.8 grams of DHA—an omega-3 fatty acid in fish oil—to their daily diets, their insulin resistance decreased by 70 percent in 12 weeks.

Yogurt: The Golden Ratio

How it builds muscle: Even with the aura of estrogen surrounding it, “yogurt is an ideal combination of protein and carbohydrates for exercise recovery and muscle growth,” says Doug Kalman, R.D., director of nutrition at Miami Research Associates.

Buy regular—not sugar-free—with fruit buried at the bottom. The extra carbohydrates from the fruit will boost your blood levels of insulin, one of the keys to reducing postexercise protein breakdown.

How it keeps you healthy: Three letters: CLA. “Yogurt is one of the few foods that contain conjugated linoleic acid, a special type of fat shown in some studies to reduce body fat,” says Volek.

Beef: Carvable Creatine

How it builds muscle: More than just a piece of charbroiled protein, “beef is also a major source of iron and zinc, two crucial muscle-building nutrients,” says Incledon. Plus, it’s the number-one food source of creatine—your body’s energy supply for pumping iron—2 grams for every 16 ounces.

For maximum muscle with minimum calories, look for “rounds” or “loins”—butcherspeak for meat cuts that are extra-lean. Or check out the new “flat iron” cut. It’s very lean and the second most tender cut of beef overall.

How it keeps you healthy: Beef is a storehouse for selenium. Stanford University researchers found that men with low blood levels of the mineral are as much as five times more likely to develop prostate cancer than those with normal levels.

Olive Oil: Liquid Energy

How it builds muscle: Sure, you could oil up your chest and arms and strike a pose, but it works better if you eat the stuff. “The monounsaturated fat in olive oil appears to act as an anticatabolicnutrient,” says Kalman. In other words, it prevents muscle breakdown by lowering levels of a sinister cellular protein called tumor necrosis factor-a, which is linked with muscle wasting and weakness (kind of like watching The View).

And while all olive oil is high in monos, try to use the extra-virgin variety whenever possible; it has a higher level of free-radical-fighting vitamin E than the less chaste stuff.

How it keeps you healthy: How doesn’t it? Olive oil and monounsaturated fats have been associated with everything from lower rates of heart disease and colon cancer to a reduced risk of diabetes and osteoporosis.

Water: The Muscle Bath

How it builds muscle: Whether it’s in your shins or your shoulders, muscle is approximately 80 percent water. “Even a change of as little as 1 percent in body water can impair exercise performance and adversely affect recovery,” says Volek. For example, a 1997 German study found that protein synthesis occurs at a higher rate in muscle cells that are well hydrated, compared with dehydrated cells. English translation: The more parched you are, the slower your body uses protein to build muscle.

Not sure how dry you are? “Weigh yourself before and after each exercise session. Then drink 24 ounces of water for every pound lost,” says Larry Kenney, Ph.D., a physiology researcher at Pennsylvania State University.

How it keeps you healthy: Researchers at Loma Linda University found that men who drank five or more 8-ounce glasses of water a day were 54 percent less likely to suffer a fatal heart attack than those who drank two or fewer.

Coffee: The Repetition Builder

How it builds muscle: Fueling your workout with caffeine will help you lift longer. A recent study published in Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise found that men who drank 2 1/2 cups of coffee a few hours before an exercise test were able to sprint 9 percent longer than when they didn’t drink any. (It’s believed the caffeine directly stimulates the muscles.)

And since sprinting and weight lifting are both anaerobic activities—exercises that don’t require oxygen—a jolt of joe should help you pump out more reps. Skip it if you have a history of high blood pressure, though.

How it keeps you healthy: By saving you from Michael J. Fox’s fate. Harvard researchers found that coffee drinkers have a 30 percent lower risk of Parkinson’s disease than nondrinkers.

Guys (and ladies) with even the strongest resolves cave to temptation and slip up sometimes when they’re trying to lose weight. The next time you thinking about skipping the gym or eating (another) cookie that your coworker brought in, read these fat-melting motivators, and you’ll stay on track to achieve a slimmer you.

Reason #1

Because you whine that you need to. Have you ever been wrong about anything?

Reason #2

Twenty pounds of warm human fat can refill every bottle in an empty case of beer, with enough left over to fill your blender.

Reason #3

The statement “There’s more of me to love” has an actual bedroom translation of “There’s more of me to endure.”

Reason #4

It’s not scaling Everest or writing the great American novel. You can do it in your spare time.

Reason #5

You’ll speak of toaster pastries the way you talk about that dirty blonde from the blues bar in Berkeley, another whiskey-soaked lament over a love too great to last.

Reason #6

It’s the difference between being thought of as jolly or witty.

Reason #7

You’ll lose weight everywhere, including the suprapubic fat pad at the base of your penis. So as your belly shrinks, something else appears to grow.

Reason #8

Decreased: your chances of developing heart disease, prostate cancer, diabetes, sleep apnea, depression, back pain, impotence, gallstones, joint problems, high blood pressure, low sperm counts, and an impressive collection of prescription-drug bottles.

Reason #9

Increased: your chances of putting four fingers on a basketball rim.

Reason #10

You’ll literally get closer to women.

Reason #11

Holy sh– . . . abs!

Reason #12

Men who lose weight never have less sex. They may not have more, mind you, but they never have less.

Reason #13

You’ll shock the world at your local pool by being the only “big splash” champ to win the “little splash” crown.

Reason #14

Research shows that since you’ll have less weight propelling you into the windshield, you’ll also have less risk of dying when your car hits a semi.

Reason #15

Every time you pick up a 20-pound dumbbell, you’ll remember.

Reason #16

You’ll be able to reach even more places to scratch.

Reason #17

The clothing cliche: It’s liberating the first time your pants fall down by themselves.

Reason #18

More pullups, because there’s less to pull up.

Reason #19

Wait till you ride a WaveRunner, quad, or snowmobile when you’re 20 pounds lighter. Vroom, baby.

Reason #20

In our society, people respect weight loss. Even if you do nothing cool or interesting or memorable for the rest of your life, you’ll have done that.

When your boss says, “We’re not here to assign blame,” duck. When we say you’re not entirely to blame for your paunch, you’re not off the hook. Nobody is the innocent victim of a drive-thru feeding. But there are sneaky factors—your friends, your family, your mindset—that can sabotage the best weight-loss plan. Your strategy: Identify the saboteurs, then adjust.

Your Wife

We do not suggest blaming her for your belly. This would be (a) wrong and (b) a reasonable defense at her trial. But know this: Researchers at the University of Minnesota found that men and women usually gain 6 to 8 pounds in the first 2 years of marriage. “Once you’re married, that need to impress is gone,” says Edward Abramson, Ph.D., author of Marriage Made Me Fat. “You may go to the gym less often, go out for meals or to parties more frequently, and develop new rituals, such as sitting on the couch with your wife and snacking.”

Fix your head: Regain that need to impress. Imagine what that girl at the gym thinks of your gut—or what she’d think if you had abs. (Just don’t hit on her.) As for that bowl of popcorn with your wife, Abramson says, ask yourself, Why am I eating? Boredom? Habit? Better yet, ask her to stop bringing those binge foods into the house.

Fix your routine: Establish healthful rituals. Instead of Access Hollywood after dinner, take regular walks, or play H-O-R-S-E in the driveway. (P-I-G might work better.) Exercise suppresses appetite. Cool down with Italian ice (120 calories per cup) instead of ice cream (290 calories per cup).

Her Belly

Dads-to-be gain almost 5 pounds from the end of their partner’s pregnancy to the baby’s first birthday, Australian researchers report. It’s especially common in young, stressed-out fathers, says Lawrence Schwartz, author of Fat Daddy/Fit Daddy. And the cycle repeats with each kid.

Fix your head: Be a heroic provider, not a sympathetic eater. Prepare as if fatherhood were a sport—because it will be.

Fix your routine: Read her pregnancy books—they’re full of excellent nutritional advice. As for her binge snacking and ice-cream jags, adopt a simple policy, says Schwartz: “She can have it, but you shouldn’t.” Maintain your exercise routine, especially weight lifting. “It’s only going to be that much harder to get back into an exercise routine once the baby’s here,” says Schwartz.

Your Kids

The presence of children in a household sharply increases the likelihood of tempting junk food in the cupboard. Some of it ends up in adult mouths. Same goes for stray nuggets and fries left over by finicky kids. “I call this ‘trolling,’ ” Schwartz says. “If you’re prone to troll, the easiest thing to do is to avoid the Happy Meal altogether.”

Fix your head: Grow up. Think: The sugary snack that a child will burn off with an hour of fidgeting will haunt you as a fat deposit. Read the nutrition label on any snack before unwrapping it. Realize the importance of setting a good food-and-exercise example.

Fix your routine: Make junk food a once-a-week thing. Designate Friday as Twinkie day. And instead of standing on the sidelines to watch your son’s game, volunteer to coach, ump, or ref. Make fitness a family thing.

Craig Ferguson

Not getting enough deep, non-REM sleep inhibits production of growth hormone, which might lead to premature middle-age symptoms—abdominal obesity, reduced muscle mass and strength, and diminished exercise capacity. You become Homer.

Fix your head: “Mentally disengage yourself before you hit the sack,” says Jim Karas, author of The Business Plan for Your Body. Don’t plot a staffing reorg before bed.

Fix your routine: Exercise in the morning or afternoon, says Eric Nofzinger, M.D., director of sleep neuroimaging research at the Western Psychiatric Institute. Evening workouts may leave you too stimulated to sleep. Establish a ritual that signals your body that the day is over 30 minutes before bedtime—turn off the computer, read, stretch, or set the TV volume low, says Karas.

Your Shift

Workers gain 7 pounds on average when they switch from a day to a night shift, according to the New York Obesity Research Center. Men working the graveyard shift tend to eat a big evening meal and go to work, says Jim Waterhouse, Ph.D., author of Keeping in Time with Your Body Clock. “Then they come home to another ‘supper’ in the morning.”

Fix your head: Adjust your concept of mealtime, says Waterhouse.

Fix your routine: Eat your biggest meal when you get home from your shift, Waterhouse says, then relax or exercise in the morning. Get 8 hours of sleep in the afternoon, then wake up and have breakfast. Kicking off your workday (even if it starts in the evening) with a light meal that’s high in protein or fiber is crucial for weight loss.

Your Stress

Stress will spike levels of the hormone cortisol, which tells your body to store fat. “Unfortunately, some people appease their anxiety by reaching for fatty foods,” says Elissa Epel, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Francisco. Eating boosts insulin levels; combining that with cortisol leads to greater fat deposits. More stress, bigger belly.

Fix your head: First, identify the type of stress you’re under, Karas says. “Is it temporary, like a bar exam, or more permanent, like your job?” Short-term stress will pass. Long-term stress may require a permanent solution, like a new job.

Fix your routine: Make healthy eating effortless, Karas says. Buy snacks that won’t send insulin levels soaring: high-fiber energy bars or single-serving bags of almonds or cashews. Fifteen minutes of explosive activity—hitting a speed bag or jumping rope—can alleviate anxieties after work. “It’s about getting the tension out,” Karas says.

Your Friends

Buddies can make or break a diet or workout plan, whether it’s unconscious scarfing of nachos during the game or the lure of pumping beers instead of iron. Worse, some guys will deliberately try to sabotage your diet, just for sport. Want a cookie?

Fix your head: Admit you need support. “Let people know how to help you, and many will,” says Beth Kitchin, an assistant professor of nutritional sciences at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.

Fix your routine: Eat a protein bar before meeting friends, so you?ll feel fuller. Drink a glass of water for every glass of beer. A time-tested strategy: Recruit a friend to diet or work out with you. Having someone to answer to is the best enforcement plan.